This is a Metaphorical Mirror

For 47 years, the Detroit International Jazz Festival has been drawing crowds with the promise of sun, fun, and fine music . Visitors would argue that it does just that. T he DIJF is held every Labor Day weekend in the heart of Detroit. People from all around the state come with the expectation of hearing some of the best jazz artists perform right in front of them- and they get to do just that for free. DIJF is the world's largest free jazz festival. As expected, a world class festival that can be attended with no cost attracts countless jazz-- well, all music-- lovers. Seats are packed. Lines for food are long. If you don't show up to a stage 20 minutes early to see a world renowned artist play for an hour, you end up standing on the railing inside crowds of other people who also didn't manage to grab a free seat in time. But it's actually worth it. Sure, standing isn't the most relaxing position, but the experience of listening to a live Great go crazy on...

The tables have vanished. Kids were standing up and eating, like horses. The ones who were sitting at the remaining tables were two-to-a-seat, packed like sardines. The rest were eating on the floor, like dogs. Troy High cafeteria at a glance before : ·        700 students trying to find a place to comfortably study, socialize, and eat ·        Upperclassmen sitting in the back - Senior Tables ·        Half the kids end up only finding space on the floor outside Food fight breaks loose, administration takes away a row of tables. The kids who did all the launching, from the back of the senior tables, were at no inconvenience to relocate to another group’s usual table. Thus began the domino effect: the entire half of the lunchroom struggled to find comfort in their 20 minutes of “break” in the six hour day. All because of 10 kids , who remain unaffected by “their” punishment. It rem...

Oh crap. Shoot stupid alarm clock shut up. No, no stop- beeping- ok fine- I’m up, I’m up. Another day, another penny. Or nickel... dollar? Whatever. Another 8 hour work day. Let’s see what texts I didn’t get last night... Oh crap. Crappity crap crap crap I’m late for my meeting- better throw some clothes on-  Shoot, my good suits are at the dry cleaning.. if I wear this solid brown one then people will think of me as presumtuous, like Joe. Can’t be like Joe. Then the plaid brown one gives off a strong erratic vibe. Umm I guess saucy is better than either of those- turquoise it is!  Now a tie. Tie tie tie. If I go without one I’ll be deemed as careless and hobo-ish. What will compliment the sauciness... oh, perfect, here are some floral pairs. Socks? Well I guess plain intelligent ones will have to work since I gotta run-  Wait can’t forget the underwear- can’t go in these boxers. People will think I’m irresponsible. But where... are my darn... briefs? Ok final...

Take the quiz below to find out what type of student you are!  Guidelines:  Only pick one answer Be honest Calculate the amount of points in total and find what category you fit into 1. You attempt all credit opportunities that your classes offer Always= -2 points Wouldn't Dare Not to = 2 points True= 2 points Correct= -1 point 2. You've been caught trying to sneak into other classes during lunch in order to gain more knowledge How Did You Know?= 2 points Only thought about it= -5 points 3. You contemplate stealing a tuba from the band room every once in a while Relatively, yes= 4 points Sometimes= 2 points 4. You have a tendency to light your homework on fire with a cigar and throw it on the roof of a preschool building All the Time= 2 points 5. You have attended at least two.5 different schools in the past week Sure= -3 points Now calculate your results! Between -2 and 11: You are a student! You go to school. Keep...

I hear stories about people's drunk adventures: "Man, I was so knocked up that I couldn't even climb the stairs!"  Or, "I kept thinking the sky was falling so I cried for my mom for, like, a solid 20 minutes." Or even, "I crashed my car into a tree that wasn't even near the road because the world was spinning like a blender and I couldn't see shit." I'm usually impressed by the absurdity of these actions. I'll hear about the quietest kid in class taking one sip and impersonating Kanye West the rest of the night. It's clear to me that alcohol really messes with someone's brain. When I think about disabilities, conditions like MS or Parkinson's come to my mind.  Once you're diagnosed with either of those, you're diagnosed for life. My prototype of the word "disability" usually is a severe long-term condition like paralysis. I immediately think of the extreme end of the spectrum, but thinking about ...

We humans are the most vital beings of the earth. Anything the earth provides exists solely to serve our race well. The other animals that live on this earth are just food-menu options- the ones that aren't rated "customers' favorite," aka the great majority, are discarded and pushed further and further towards the periphery of their habitats to make room for breeding the “chef's special”, and just for us in general. The animals that have a slight potential to overpower us are killed before they get the chance to decide we are terrible food options. It took a while (more than several decades) for the managers protecting Yellowstone National Park to realize that killing all the wolves to keep visitors safe was the main issue contributing to the imbalance of species residing there, resulting in an exponential growth of the elk and coyote populations, affecting the entire ecosystem there. When they finally added only 14 wolves back to the park, elks and coyote popul...

DETROIT- Exactly five and a half hours ago a polar was found on the Southernmost tip of Argentina. When questioned how he got there from Antarctica, he claimed he jumped. After studying this polar bear, the leading scientist and veterinarian in this study, Dr. Boman, explained that because of all the ice partings in Antarctica, the polar bears have been jumping from one piece to the next. "This particular polar bear's legs became so strong from jumping that he managed to jump over the Drake Passage and land in the Southernmost tip of Argentina." Dr. Boman worries that there will be an influx of this polar bear's followers arriving at the same location within 5 years, so long as the ice keeps melting. His explanation was rejected by the White House, declaring that the polar bear was really a brown bear that was kidnapped, painted white, given steroids, and planted there by the Chinese to prove that their global warming hoax was true.  An unofficial spokesman fr...